i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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