I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize