turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
