Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
