Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
