My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
