Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
