She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
