woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
