I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The adults are the big ones right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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