Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
