I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
