My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
