I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
