Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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