hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Randomize