So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
