it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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