Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
