Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
