I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
