i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
