So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
my god I love twenty year old dicks
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
