apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
