I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
