Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
