It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
