I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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