I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
