I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize