Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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