I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
