did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
