i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
