Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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