I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize