If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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