im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
