If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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