I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
