True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
