Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
