i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
