Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
