you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
