the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we made out on top of his cat.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
