Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
