Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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