Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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