bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize