stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We had sex on a dog bed..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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