I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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