i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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