We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
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