and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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