As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize