There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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