You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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