when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize